3 Things That Are Keeping You From Being a Great Conversationalist
Summary: Being a good conversationalist isn’t a natural, unteachable trait that belongs only to a lucky few; it’s a matter of having a decent Relationship Mindset, of having emotional intelligence – and it is completely under your control.
Being a good conversationalist requires having a decent Relationship mindset. In order to get that, one has to pass through various obstacles that come along the path. Read on to find out how you can overcome them and transform into a Star Leader.
Sincerity and curiosity make two of the most important building blocks for holding a good conversation. Conversations require focus on part of everyone involved, and there’s something that I call a ‘Relationship Mindset’ that makes an extremely important part of focus. Stars like Amitabh Bachchan and Oprah Winfrey show a tremendous flair as extraordinary conversationalists. It is interesting to see how they listen attentively, show genuine interest in what is being said, and look for commonalities between them and the speaker to bring more depth and even fun to the conversation. They bring this core element of Relationship Mindset to every conversation, making them excellent examples of Star Leaders.
In my years as an executive coach, these are the top three things I have found to act as obstacles in the path of an ordinary leader becoming a Star Leader:
Lack of Curiosity During Conversations
Conversation is a two-way street; it is incomplete without you mindfully listening to the other person. Even if you hear the words, the meaning and feelings behind them might not strike you. It creates distance in the conversation rather than be on the same page, sharing commonalities. Clarification questions won’t only help you show how interested you are in what the other person is saying, but in fact ensure that you hold interest in it.
Not Having an Open Mind
A good conversationalist is always open-minded; after all, who would want to talk to someone who is unwilling to listen or has already formed an opinion? Having a healthy conversation is about being approachable, which is a highly valuable trait to have in a workplace. It’s often difficult to listen because of a ‘been there done that’ feeling, which closes us off to interests that can indicate commonalities. Free flow and exchange of ideas with empathy instead of skepticism can make conversations powerful.
Engaging in One-Sided Conversations
It takes a bunch of healthy conversations to know the other person well, to know the various commonalities between you and them; but, like I said, conversations are two-way streets. Talking about yourself all the time, sharing too much right off the bat can come across as off-putting. Without learning much about the other person, over-sharing goes on to show how insensitive you are towards the balance of the conversation. By engaging in only talking about your own self, you are sending the message that the other person means no more than a sounding board for you and your issues. A Star Leader, instead, would let the other person guide them as to when it is the right time for them to open up.
Impact on Leadership
Just having top performers in one place does not bring effective results; they have to be able to work together, share experiences and trust each other. The leader who can highlight the commonalities between members can make sure that conversations in the workplace are satisfying and cooperative. When the conversation focuses on differences too much, it becomes competitive and people take individual actions rather than as a team.
An interesting case study published in Harvard Business Review1 deals with these dichotomies in communication very interestingly. Rob Parson, quick, energetic, and young, was promised the position of a Managing Director at Morgan Stanley if he could rescue their Capital Markets Services effort, which was a top priority and weakness for Morgan Stanley at that time. Parson brought Morgan Stanley from rank 10th and with 2% share of the market to ranking 2nd and with 12.2% share of the market. He was well known for his abrasive, determined approach where he did not wait to build consensus with different team members but rather took all decisions unilaterally. Because of the expected culture of consensus and communication at Morgan Stanley, he was ultimately denied the promotion.
A Gallup Survey showed that the cost of replacing an employee is nearly DOUBLE the annual salary of the employee, and 1 in 2 employees replaced may have been retained if meaningful conversations had been exchanged with the managers and their needs had been understood.
Do your conversations treat diversity in opinions as threats or opportunities for learning?
How do Leaders engaging in captivating conversations look?
- Their questions sound constructive and curious rather than coming from a place of criticism. They want to know more about what the other person has to say, because they already know their own opinion.
- They sound like they feel pride and enjoyment in talking and working with others. Both parties see it as a matter of prestige rather than an external obligation.
- They remember details about others and value others in their conversations, conveying that the relationship and commonalities are more important than any current differences in thought.
Do you want to be seen as someone who can drive people and interests together?
- As an executive leader, if you feel like your Relationship Mindset with your team members could use some improvement, then I have three simple yet effective micro-rituals that you could follow on a daily basis.
3 Immediately Applicable Action Steps
- Ask questions to help the other person express their response, and to help yourself gain more clarity on the topic of conversation..
- Daily, while listening, give people the space to express and avoid forming opinions about them in the first 2 minutes
- Maybe you’re a 90% tell and 10% listen; try to move closer to 50-50. During a conversation, practise active and patient listening.
References
1- Burton, M.D. (1998) Rob Parson at Morgan Stanley (A). HBS No. 9-498-054. Harvard Business Publishing. https://store.hbr.org/product/rob-parson-at-morgan-stanley-a/498054
2- McFeely, S. (2019, March 13). This Fixable Problem Costs U.S. Businesses $1 Trillion.
Gallup.com; Gallup. https://www.gallup.com/workplace/247391/
fixable-problem-costs-businesses-trillion.aspx
Authored by Coach Vikram
Vikram is an Executive Presence Coach who supports CXOs and senior leaders to make an impact, influence, and lead with ease. He advises C-level leaders and teams to strengthen business performance through their executive presence and star leadership.
Vikram works closely with Boards and senior leaders to align leadership needs with strategy. His forte is his ability to develop trusted partnerships with senior leaders at some of the most recognized companies in the world. Vikram coaches senior leaders to draw upon their best selves, while growing their business and their leadership capabilities.
Vikram and his team have developed a groundbreaking model of executive presence and an Executive Presence Index (EPI) Assessment, the first frequency based, scientifically validated tool to measure executive presence.
Connect with him if you want practical and immediately applicable strategies to accelerate results, develop your people, and influence others to make a positive difference in your organization.
